If I can get it all out in an order you all will understand…..

This could be messy.

So some days I’m so happy that things feel wonderful. I feel good about myself. I’m not worrying about any of my problems (they don’t feel as big).and I’m searching Pinterest for things that I am going to decorate my beach house with or like.  Because I am going to have a beach house some day dammit, and someday soon.  I don’t know how, but I know it’s going to happen.  It’s absolute.

and then the next day i could be bawling my eyes out because i overthought the worst about something that i cannot control.  And thinking things like I’m fat, no one is ever going to want me, I’m not smart enough, I’m going to be alone  forever. Or I’m lazy. My apartment is a mess, why can’t I keep this clean, it’s not that big. Why do I have so much stuff?   And I have really great answers for all  of these.  Great positive responses that I need to practice more.

 I’m tired and I only have enough energy to survive my chaos right now. And that is the best one. And it probably trumps them all. I read another version of this because I can’t remember the original to save my life.

I smoke a bit of weed because I find it settles my brain. I don’t do it during the day when I’m working because I need to be somewhat refined ish at my job. Which is another aspect of my life I need to change to move me forward in this rebuild. But more on that another time, again if i remember.